The Super Bowl broadcast was supposed to be a celebration without rival for CBS, but network executives were left embarrassed and scrambling to dam a flood of public anger after a rogue microphone captured Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis confessing to a double homicide charge from 13 years ago.
After clinching the second Super Bowl victory of his hall of fame career, Lewis embraced his teammate Ed Reed, and proceeded to whisper a murder confession full of evidence bombshells and gory details that were accidentally broadcast by CBS. “We did it, I can’t believe it,” sobbed an emotional Lewis. “The bloody jacket is buried underneath my pool cabana. God is so good. I stabbed the one dude myself and held down the other one. We’re champions.”
CBS president Les Moonves issued a formal apology to the game’s 120 million viewers, many of whom are children. “We sincerely apologize for the inappropriate content that aired immediately after this amazing game, especially to the kids,” said the man who personally chose Beyonce’s halftime performance outfit. “The Super Bowl broadcast is supposed to represent our network’s mission to provide family-friendly entertainment, and we hope that our viewers will stick with us through our loaded fall lineup,” finished the man who green-lit the Two Broke Girls halftime pole dance, and the show Two Broke Girls.
The unfortunate audio mishap lasted for 2 minutes and 38 seconds, an eternity in the world of off-the-cuff double homicide confessions. Reed could be heard several times begging Lewis to let him go and to stop talking. “Ray man I don’t wanna hear this,” pleaded the star safety, “Let me go Ray I wanna hug Flacco. Ray, please...Oh my God is that a knife?!” But Lewis, always so emotional after huge victories, clung to Reed with the strength of a muscular doe.
“I still pay his family 5 mil a year,” praised Lewis at the 1:37 mark. “We worked so hard for this I can’t believe it. We switched knives under the Abbotts bridge. We’re a family. I’m a murderer.”
After hearing the explosive audio file, local authorities quickly brought Lewis in for questioning. Sources within the police department refuse to offer details of their conversation with the Ravens captain, but they can confirm that as of 11am Monday morning, Lewis is a free man, Police Chief Don Grush is retiring and buying a yacht, and Ed Reed is being held on a double murder charge without bail.
Mike Johnson is a writer in Chicago and can be reached at MikeJohnson683@gmail.com