Oprah Winfrey’s OWN network has announced plans to follow up last week’s highly rated 2-part Lance Armstrong confession with a 3-part exclusive, in which the disgraced cyclist will apologize for lies he told during the first interview. “This is a major coup for our young network,” boasted Winfrey on Sunday. “This promises to be a no-frills, no-holds-barred, 'tell it like it is' interview, and I fully expect Lance to show contrition for the lies he fed me during my first no-nonsense, straight-talking, 'come clean or bust' interrogation.”
Despite mounting evidence against him, Armstrong spent years vehemently denying doping allegations, and he used his abundant reserves of power and money to cripple anyone who questioned his veracity and character. Perhaps worn out by deceit’s perpetual demands, or just ready to come clean, Armstrong sat down with Oprah last week to own up to a brutal charade, and to apologize for the unbelievable damage it inflicted on friends and teammates. Evidently he continued to lie at an historic pace.
Random lie detector tests given to Armstrong at various points throughout the three hour dialogue show a mountain of dishonesty rarely climbed in the modern era. “The results were staggering,” reports lab technician Timothy Kearns. “These levels have been hit only a few times since we started keeping stats in 1988. Mitt Romney’s performance in the October 3rd presidential debate, Tom Cruise whenever he speaks, and OJ Simpson and Ray Lewis during their respective murder trials. The data spiked so ferociously at times we’re no longer sure it was him riding the bike.”
To Armstrong’s credit, a man who spent 15 years in the shadows clinging to a false reality seems much more eager these days to admit his lies in a timely fashion. “I watched videos of myself watching those videos, and I’m lying in the videos and I’m lying about feeling bad about it, and it’s embarrassing. That guy is a jerk,” admitted Armstrong on Sunday morning. “I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself, I realize the pain I’ve inflicted on countless people, and it honestly, absolutely, 100% feels great to come clean.”
“That’s a lie,” continued Armstrong. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh there’s another one, sorry! Damnit!”
“What I mean to say is that’s a lie, and I’m not sorry."
Lab results confirm the accuracy of that final statement.
Mike Johnson is a writer in Chicago and can be reached at MikeJohnson683@gmail.com