Fed up with an onslaught of public critiques from unnamed teammates, an offensive reserve on the New York Jets pleaded with members of his franchise to “band together as a cohesive unit” in an interview last Wednesday on the condition of anonymity.  But it mostly came off as “stop making fun of me.”

“I’ve always played hard for my team,” stated Player X, probably referring to the wasted energy in his throwing motion as quarterback for the Florida Gators and Denver Broncos.

The secret press conference was held while the interviewee signed autographs, lefty, for 12 children uprooted by Ugandan civil war.  He had pictures of the children, and after every autograph he paused to look into each of their faces for exactly 3 minutes and 16 seconds. He then brought his fist to his forehead and said a few words in prayer.  There was not a dry eye in the house.

“Do I think it’s wrong for teammates to question other teammates’ abilities?  Yes,” admitted the 244.7lb white male, as a pristine tear fell onto his 2009 BCS National Championship ring.  “It’s important that we understand we’re a family, and that when times are tough a family needs to be there for each other more than ever.  We can still make a run at this thing.”  

Father Tom Incandieri of Our Lady of Eternal Hope in Hoboken, New Jersey, whispered to reporters in the back row, off the record, that this player’s recent confessions have become more and more dispirited. He noted in particular John Doe’s loss of faith in the team’s infrastructure.  He also speculated on an unsubstantiated, but we had to admit, plausible battle with impure thoughts towards his teammates’ spouses.  The Father suspected Pro-Bowl center Nick Mangold’s wife, Jennifer, would be a good bet if this were in fact to be true, and the entire back row agreed.

The press conference ended as our mystery man had to get to the gym, presumably to work whatever muscles one must work to receive a snap out of the shotgun formation when everybody in the stadium knows you’re gonna run the ball for 2 yards into the linebacker’s chest.

The Jets are currently 4-7 and facing a quarterback controversy going into a week 12 battle with Arizona.

Mike Johnson is a writer in Chicago and can be reached at MikeJohnson683@gmail.com